The Intersting Things I Learn

 In my newly reinvented life I am finding time for special pursuits. I try to be certain that these experiences will be positive and rewarding - no one needs downers! As a result, I am finding kind, wonderful, and informative individuals everywhere. I spent time in my granddaughter's kindergarten class. Her teacher allowed me to mix right in and work with the students, something that I love. Since names are printed on their desks, I have the advantage of greeting kids personally. "Hello, Desmond [s sounded as z]," I announced. "How is your story coming along?" He looked at me in wonder and then with a bit of disdain, "It's Desmond [s with an s sound]," he uttered. "Let me tell you a bit about phonics." Kindergarten! I loved it my quick lesson. I later learned that the Desmond with a "z" had gone home sick prior to my arrival so then I better understood my mini-phonics tutorial.

I sat with my grandson during lunch (and an amazingly healthy hot lunch arrived!). A boy across from us took an instant interest in my presence, asking who I was, why I was there, what I was doing, when I'd be leaving, and when I'd be returning. I answered in rapid fire until finally he paused. "You look a lot older than my Grandma," he conveyed with a wince. I acknowledged that probably I was but I was still Dayne's grandma. He pondered this, then responded, "You know, you'd look way younger if you would color your hair. My grandma does and she looks way younger than you do." I smiled and thought about the gray strands adorning my head.

I explained that I didn't want to color my hair, that I was happy with it, and thanked him for his input. Not to be deterred he reminded me several more times how much better I would look, and so much younger, if I just got rid of that terrible gray stuff. I laughed, scratched my head in wonder, and then happily removed myself from the scene when we were finally dismissed. Unsolicited advice is quite enlightening (and I do not infer the lightening change of my hair!).I can't wait to meet this gentleman's grandma. I'll be returning to Dayne and Bryn's classrooms in a few weeks - what other insight might be shared?

Locally I took part in the first presentation of a special movie night focused on forgetfulness, brain injury, PTSD, dementia, and Alzheimer's disease. A group is seeking ways to educate our community about behaviors, attitudes, misunderstandings, and misinterpretations in an open atmosphere of learning. One of our crew members received a comment questioning why we would be showing 50 First Dates, a film focused on traumatic brain injury, when someone in attendance, a loved one, or a caregiver might be present who might have such a decline. Well, that's the point. If we discuss confusion, forgetfulness, every day/hour/minute becoming a new moment in life that disregards connections of instances that took place just beforehand, we can better support a loved one who has cognitive difficulty.

Memories Haunt

 Memories haunt

Yes, they do, especially those which leave a scar on your memory lane forever. Though I refrain from peeping through the window of the past, at times one feels so helpless. These memories flashback like a movie and take you on a detour for hours and hours.

My detour of these haunting memories is quite painful. Every time I go on this detour my mind and heart ache and I smolder in the feelings of self-pity. I no longer want to be part of this agonizing journey anymore. I want a relief, which seems so remote now.

I always wonder, how the person whose presence once illuminated your memory lane can become so vulnerable as to haunt your memories forever. There is a logical reply that when we let a person get control of our heart, we give him all the reasons to use it the way he likes; either save it or break it. Since I provided him all the means to access my heart, he got the legal right to smash it the way he desired.

Elegant, inspirational and attractive are the qualities that would strike my mind whenever I would meet him. There was a magnetic touch in his personality that would pull my heart towards its magnetic influence. In the beginning, I considered this sudden attraction as a sort of idealistic impact that one has while admiring someone. However, within a short period, it was embarked upon me that it's something deeper than the superficial feelings of considering someone your ideal or inspiration.

Then what it was? The answer was hidden in the way he reciprocated to my advances towards him. People always thought that he lived within the invisible walls of isolation with a tag of no man's property, but once he opened the doors of this no man's property for me I considered all the opinions of people null and void.

Soon I entered the phase which is considered by the poets and the romanticists as the most alluring and soothing phase of one's life; LOVE! During this phase one soars like a bird and feel the fragrance of fresh flowers around oneself. You seem to be entangled in the seven colours of a colourful rainbow. You feel the presence of your love with every beat of your heart. This consoles your heart and mind like the cool soothing wind or the cool splashing waves of the ocean.

To my astonishment, in this phase of love, your memories are so refreshing. They shelter you to take refuge from the rest of the world and remain fettered in the unseen chains of your love.

Nothing in this world remains forever. Everything is meant to decay. So how could my memories give me this pleasing relief forever? Very soon all the favourable quotes, sayings and words about love became fake. Love no longer seemed an angel consoling my heart but appeared like a ferocious monster that is ready to engulf and devour me, loosening and tightening its grip around my neck, keeping me suspended between life and death.

He walked away, leaving me to drown into the deep grey sea of melancholy, where the sharp, razor teeth memories were ready to tear me apart forever. Ever since then I am tormented by the memories of that so-called phase of love that haunts me with every passing breath.